being Human BEING

human being, Identity, truth

It’s another beautiful morning and I wake up once again with the same addictions that I went to bed trying to get rid of. I can’t see the end, no. There’s no light in this tunnel, but hey, it’s another day and no matter what has been carried over from the last, I’ve still got life, still got you and your love, what more can one ask for.

I can never say I’m losing my mind because I’ve never really had control. I guess I just spend too much time worrying about my impact. forgetting that I am only one in a billion, neglecting the present, the gift that is today, packaged sincerely for me to be the best human being that I am.

yes. Human being. not Human becoming, nor human been. I can never say I’m losing myself because you will always be what you are being. If I’m lost, then being lost is who I am and I’ll just have to deal with that. You know, they say actions speak much louder than words. The lost can talk about being found, but the found sleep at home every night. That’s being Human being.

I always wonder about life and the fabrics of existence. I don’t want to speak profanely about the structures of the world because they are real and one who lives beyond their boundaries will fall into our rejected bin of outcasts. But I can’t seem to stop thinking about my default position in this life. If I let go of everything and allow myself to free-fall from this place where I’m trying to create something, down to the place that is made for me. The default position, the place where I don’t have to do anything but simply be.

But I don’t know how to act in a drought. So what if I let go and find myself living without? I guess that’s why it’s called default. If I go out of my way to find my default, would it really be my default? Or will it be a position that I chose to find?

Or is it just fear talking? fear taking over my mental now that I find myself in a position to create the life that I’ve been prepared and preparing for all this time? An honest opinion once told me that I worry too much, fearful of failure in this life which I once thought I had at my feet. But now I’ve got my head in the clouds, can’t feel my feet on the ground, so how do I know if I’m still on the path?

I’m crying out to the oppressor, “hey, you missed one. this one didn’t turn into a robot. It’s not content with the cubical, it’s not a political radical, it’s starting to sound a little cynical…” oh snap! I think I should stop there before they start seeing that I’m dysfunctional.

Mr President, it’s been done. Africa has been cleaned up. We managed to get the women thinking and they did the dirty work for us. We educated the African woman our way, empowered her with eyes to see the savagery that is hidden in the lies of the male of her species. It took us many o’ years, but eventually she broke free from his control, reproduction levels decreased, charity for the poor seized to exist, so they were easy to wipe out. It was easy still. The black male is good for nothing, driven only by passion he manged to imprison the woman through her emotions…but that was nothing a little education could not change. For many years the woman has been secretly crying for power, as soon as we gave her that in Africa, nullifying her hormonal need for the male was made easy by job satisfaction, and eventually erased through the granting of power over the savage. It’s only a matter of time until the last of them are gone from the face of the earth. We’ll speed up the process with a little more Hollywood and drug substance availability, we’ll use that very passion against him.

Chris, I saw what you wrote about the African woman. It’s simultaneously saddening and frightening to see that you think like that. Are you trying to say that the empowerment of the African woman will spell the end of the African male? I thought you were much smarter than this. This is the sort of backward thinking that has held our people enslaved by outdated custom and misleading ideologies. I’d advise you to reconsider your position on this matter before you completely discredit yourself as a rational thinking member of society and ultimately end your writing career before it has even begun. Think deeply about it my boy, you have a promising future ahead, don’t let this be the end of it.

I’m sorry Miss Jackson, I am for real. I can’t avoid the zeal that I have for the truth, I’m looking beyond face value, examining the principalities and the cracks in it. You see, growing up I was always told that I was bound for failure. But still I made it through the grades until now I’m almost touching a Law degree. I realise now that I was not meant to make it through the system that was constructed to stop people like me. people like me being the ones they love to label as having fallen through the cracks. Well I was in the cracks but instead of falling, I climbed. Unseen in the mist of the darkness that was foreseen for my future, I made it out. But now I’m looking at the world and it’s time for me to out into the light. It was only when I came out to finally see the sun, and at first glance it hurt me and I realised that I was disillusioned all along.

Why does honesty have to come at such a hefty expense? It’s as if they want us to continuously live in suspense, unknowing the conditions that we are fighting through. Globalisation and urbanisation is our reality in Africa. But look at how many of our men are turning out. An African man has to turn to homosexuality in order to be accepted as less of a threat in this world order. I’m watching the American movies, there is always that one awesome “gay black best friend”. Are they openly trying to advertise to us that we are more useful for society when we play a helping role instead of becoming leaders?

 

 

Advertisements

Know me.

confession, emptiness, Identity

You don’t know me baby. i ain’t perfect baby, you know I wanna be be perfect baby, but look how i slur my words baby.

Look how i’m forgetting You, getting lost in my thoughts thinking the world revolves around me… even forgetting my capitals baby. i’m surprised that i even remembered my full stops this one time.

You don’t know me baby. i want you to know me and speak only the truths about me but i can’t even be honest baby. i want us baby, i want oneness with you and my spirit but i can’t seem to bear the onus baby.

i’m singing the chorus baby, to a song that reflects on my life, I’m twenty one with the future supposedly within my grasp baby. But will i take it? Maybe. The world is cheering for us baby.

But you don’t know me baby. i’m aging into a man but i’m still clumsy like a baby. Caught in my own lie baby, i can’t hold on to anything let alone my beliefs, maybe that’s the reason i find no relief baby.

But i’m gonna try to stay positive baby. i hope this confusion will be brief and end before i throw me or my future off a cliff baby.

i’m waiting for Life to be gentle because like the centre of the world, i’m going mental baby. Look at my dental baby, i’m afraid that soon i won’t be able to handle beef, biting more than i can chew with these fleeting fillings in my emptiness, it’s only a matter of time before i get exposed for a bark with no bite baby.

But you don’t know me baby. Psycho man don’t know me either. Close ones neither. How long till i wither? Check the weather baby, as long as it still rains pain i’ll be staying inside baby.

Longing

God, heaven, spirit

Talk to me about the spirit. Enlighten me. I grow ever closer to the world and further away from God, so I need to be reminded of his Glory.

C.S Lewis made an anology of the weight of Glory. Imagine yourself enjoying a beautiful sunset on the horizon. You admire it’s beauty from afar. Creative minds are crazy because they always try to connect with nature…I need you to put on this mindset.

So there you are, falling in love with a beautiful, orange sunset in the sky. But this love affair feels so one-sided because as much as you stare at this beauty, it never notices you.

So you may ask yourself, why do I long so much for a connection with such beauty, yet my desire to be in it, to be with it and to fully experience it’s majesty, is never fulfilled?

Well maybe the most blunt answer is that the sunset has no life and therefore you can never have such a relationship with it. But if we take a moment to think about this concept called, “longing”, we can look at an everyday phenomenon such as hunger. When you feel hungry, it does not mean that your hunger will be satisfied. But this hunger can serve as an indication that an emptiness can be filled. In this case, some food would do the job.

That is why I am asking you to talk to me about the spirit. Benny Hinn testified in his book, Good morning Holy Spirit, about a particular kind of joy and satisfaction, upon receiving the spirit of God, that came to him from the inside-out.

We humans think so great of ourselves. We think that monetary success and the ability to buy things to satisfy our desires is the key to achieving enjoyment and contentment.

I disagree. The book of Genesis tells us that God made the body of man from the clay if the Earth. He then went on to breathe his spirit into the flesh and that gave man life. We are sensory people here on Earth. We touch, we see, we hear, we take joy into our bodies from the outside-in. How sad.

What about that particular part of us which gives us life? What about the spirit? As long as we remain content with satisfying our urges and senses, I do not believe we are actually living life, but merely sensing. Because life came through the spirit, I think it should be safe to say that the only time a person can say, “I am living”, and not merely alive, is when we begin to find that satisfaction which comes from the inside-out, from the fulfillment of those desires which are pleasurable to the spirit, not the flesh.

The book of Hebrews tells us that everything that is seen comes from the unseen. God and Heaven and the spiritual world is unseen. The spirit is a foreigner on the Earth. That is why the spirit always longs for the heavenly things. That is why a deprived spirit will look to the sunset, which serves as a symbol of heavenly beauty. The spirit longs to know the heavenly, in the hopes that it may one day be reunited with the Glory of its true home.

Then the Christian Bible quotes that man Jesus admitting in Matthew 7:23 “away from me, I never knew you” is what he will say to a spirit which never fulfilled that aspect of relationship with the one who first breathed it into the body of man.

Then, at that moment, the beauty of that sunset which you so longed to experience, to harness, to kiss, to get that notice, the bliss…that will fade away. And woe to me…if that be my fate, may I take up my place in eternal decay.

Gold City Boyz

Friendship

Gold city boy, so you know my potential is golden. Africa’s capital city, Joburg, our business needs capital transactions.

My talent and movement you cannot apprehend. I’m only appreciated by the apprentences on my right hand. I don’t even bother with many because they die and rest in pretence…it’s always been their common sense.

I’m trying to make moves in my confidence, while keeping check of my arrogance to keep my conscience in balance.

Trying to keep my beliefs away from thoughts that make me waiver. So I made a wager, going all in or nothing never leaves me with nothing. Even when I lose I gain pain from that experience until the next time I do it again.

I’ve still got dreams of a young me in a Volkswagen Citi, cruising through the city to where my home boys been smoking like chimneys.

Then you ask me, why you gotta go back to your old ways, conform to your glory days only to regret it tomorrow as always?

I don’t know. There’s just something about the boys. They understand that part of me that loves the noise. And anyways, I only do it twice a month, only show up when least expected and put a sock in the mouth of haters who disrespected.

I’m not accustomed to perfection. It always gives a fake reflection. That’s why I always leave room for mistakes in every selection.

But is that wrong of me? I’m certainly waiting to grow out of It, but how long will that be? I’m waiting to see, I like an underdog story that ends in victory.

Character Flaw

flaws, Uncategorized

It came to a point when I realised that nobody was actually listening. Five years later at gatherings or some random reunion, I became accustomed to the melodies on the beat of your chuckles saying, “When he talked, we just nodded and he’d go on, didn’t even realise that we wasn’t really listening” …hahaHaaA!

If I bore you so much, you could have just told me. I could have become a writer much sooner. But I’m here now, got an audience and they find no offence in my rumbling.

Instead they say, “So young you are, yet so wise beyond your years” …thank You, but really what else is there for me to do?

There’s no mandatory military service to put me in, no sustainable work on offer…I’m lucky to have this privilege of tertiary education, just trying to avoid getting stuck with minimum wage in a spicy downtown butchery.

Ironic because I wound up simply in a different skin-type of butchery. The discounted special of the day is your sense of self-worth and long-term health. The only thing I’ve got going for me is my appeal, that’s why I’ll do whatever it takes to appear grounded and clear of any upheaval. I’m so afraid of getting chopped, swept away and getting cropped out of pictures, and missing out on the newest cocktail mixtures…because this is the stuff that really matters really – much more than career fixtures and future whatnot…

I’m not even wise actually. It hurt me a little when I realised that. I believe wisdom to be the ability to discern and make decisions that will produce positive by-product. As for me, I am able to see the writing on the wall, yet consciously fail to apply the element of conduct. “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to KFC“.

That’s a proper kick in the gut kind of character flaw ain’t it? Where’s Shakespeare when you need him? Maybe he would have been able to make all of these at least worthy of being a successful life failure story when I’m dead. But there is no Shakespeare, and my flaws still exists, so I’ll just have to be that guy who goes through the entirety of life in mid-life crisis from a lack of Will Power.

Started so sweet, but now sour. You are a sower and that is what you’ll reap. Life is no cheap thrill I can assure you – even peace will pressure you. Generations will measure you on how many graduations ushered You. And I’m not talking about degrees on paper, no, life has set us all up for a class or two…and her curriculum tests you before giving the lesson.

Imagine that. Imagine loving….oh no…that’s surely a story for another day. A story for a time when I will have some real answers maybe…

Breaking Bars

growth, inspiration, life lessons

Meditation for internal stimulation, I’m going through hibernation, looking for peace and relaxation because lately I’ve been anxious too much.

I’ve been tested too much, but instead of preparing for the challenge, I turn to texting too much. It’s September but I’ve been having the same battles since March.

I’m starting to feel like a man I don’t like. I’m starting to see negativity brewing in my guts. I’ve been complaining so much I think I need a break. Take jog to the store for a Kit Kat and while at it, break a sweat or two…really I’ll do anything to break this chain of solitude.

I mean. I’m young, restless and ambitious…but this transition can be so overwhelming that it starts to feel like prison. It’s one thing to be tortured, but it’s a whole other chronicle when your biggest enemy is your own mind…Oops, that sounds like complaining.

No I’m no longer complaining. And soon I’ll also stop campaigning. I’ve been crying my heart into a spectacle for people who only think about champagning…Everybody else is popping and here I am pooping, talking a whole load of “truth” crap about love and peace, so I don’t know why I get so shocked when I’m feeling flushed.

But no, I’m young and I’m free, not old drinking tea, I should also go out on a spree. I should just go back to finding joy in participation medals, getting indebted by flashy metals and arriving in sports car rentals – owning nothing but my ego, paying no attention to civil ethos, look up to the Migos, disrespect national heroes, and while at it, care less about Global warming in Barbados…

Because the world doesn’t care as long someone else is on it. Instead you advocate selfishness…so I too shall own it.

Circumstantial Humility

christian

When you have been a vegetarian through circumstance, it’s hard to become a vegetarian by choice.

My experience with poverty takes me back to the days as a young barefooted lad in the dusty gravel roads of Limpopo, one of the poorest provinces in South Africa.

On those days, I can mildly remember, inter alia, having visitors over as being one of the best days ever. When the guests were around, we would have cold drink as a treat. The treat of cold drink made me so happy back then, that even today, I see the coca cola emblem as a luxury.

I would be so happy to have that cold drink, that I even began to perform tricks with my single cup of it. I would take a few clean sips to massage my tongue a little – then I would pour the last bits of it onto the carpet. Then I would use my empty cup to scoop back my drink and refill my joy and drink it all up to complete my trick.

It didn’t go down well with my grandmother though. No – not one bit!

But while she reacted angrily at my dirty behaviours, the guests would give out a little laugh, saying something like, “boys will be boys”…haha – and that was the point of it all anyways – to get the guests buzzed up by my presence.

In the city where I eventually moved to, you will find young men my age with modified sports cars that are too expensive for me to even dream about. And they too still do these tricks to flatter their guests. They spin the whip until the tyre threads are no more – I assume if their parents saw this, they would react just as my granny used to react to my cold drink tricks…and then you will be sure to hear, “Boys will be boys”…followed by the “haha” – I presume.

So yeah. Back to being a vegetarian through circumstance. It is normal for bad, or poor circumstances to motivate a person… Especially when those who had more used to flash it all in your face. You also want to achieve that so that you can have your moment in the spot light – spinning whips until the tyre threads are no more.

But then there’s David. The guy who used a sling to defeat and kill that giant named Goliath. David was a humble farm boy too, and prior to him killing that beast of a man – the King and leader of the army, Saul, had promised that whomever could kill Goliath would be rewarded with the King’s own daughter’s hand in marriage.

However, after David killed this beast, and it came time for his reward… David rejected this honour, saying ; “Who am I, and what is my family in Israel that I should be the King’s son-in-law?…My father’s family is nothing.”

What? Dude, this is your chance. Can you not see that you are being taken up from the drinks and carpets to the threadless tyres of the rich?

Mmmh. My mind is bamboozled! All this time I cannot even begin to imagine myself going back to those days of having a plate full of cabbage and spinach topped with a big chunk of maize meal and water to wash it down…but this man here rejects this upgrade because…

wait…why did he reject that?

The Christian bible is said to be the word of God. When we read it, they tell us, “read it to try and find the face of God”.

Mmmh. So if I can just try to make sense out of this, I guess I have to say that maybe this is how God’s face looks like. David had done that trick which got him recognised. But he rejected the reward for it because maybe he felt, or knew that he was not ready in his heart to have such an honour. After all, with great power comes great responsibility. So maybe David can teach me that sometimes my purpose and dreams have already been set for me…but I need to make sure that I have the necessary amount of control and respect for it to make sure that I do not misuse it or lose it.

So maybe one day I will be able to return to the vegetarian days by choice. But while I am still where I am in thought, will and ability, maybe I just have to be a little more patient and humble before I can go out there and actually make a difference in the world.

1 Samuel 18:17

Coming out…

christian, faith, God

As I look at the city and see the beautiful lights that shine in this night. I appreciate this view. But then during the day, I struggle to appreciate the magnificent sun, the mother of all the light that I know.

And even now, as I look up to the stars, I know you created each and everyone of them – why? I really don’t know – but they are beautiful.

And even this talent that you have given me. To write simple words such as these and to have them appreciated and enjoyed by people who have eyes to see them on this screen, and a beautiful mind to comprehend them…surely it is you who is behind all of this.

And this beautiful little talent which you have given me, the same talent I am so afraid to use to say, “God created this”, because I am afraid that my readers will fail to comprehend you. I can’t even comprehend you.

And these drugs which I find myself now so addicted to. It is you who gave the man who made it – the mind to put together the right ingredients to make it. And now here I am asking that you will free me from it…because even the science that went into the making of these, it was you who put it together.

So why am I so afraid to acknowledge you? You who gave me this mouth and nostrils that breathe in this air, and the lungs that know just how to convert each breath into life…so that I may live another day to see that car that my eyes so love…the sound that comes from its engine – your wonderful engineering that went into it, I fail to see.

I fail to see your wonderful hand that went into your creation, and your powerful hand that is still upon me and even on the man who will see this and read in disbelief of how ignorant I must be to think that a fairytale like you could make all that is so real…to me it’s surreal…but one day you will reveal…and your glory will prevail for all mankind to turn back to you – my little big fantasy…you are one fantastic fiction, causing this friction between my intellect and your authority…

Please sustain your superiority. Prove me not right in the words that I write here, but reveal your heart so that we can see that part of you…that part of you which we know as judgement – oh God, you are good and I am not.

Learning the Hard way

life choices, life lessons

There are many ways to learn something, but what is the reason of learning in the first place? If you ask me, I want to learn so that I can make a change.

A change to what, you may ask? I want to make a change from my current standpoint to the next. I want to carve that future of mine to look a little more like that dream if mine.

One word which I associate with change is regret. I certainly don’t want to do again the things that I regret. But it’s funny looking at it through my eyes because I don’t regret the things that I did, but I regret the result that they brought.

I certainly don’t regret loving the person who broke my heart, but I regret getting heartbroken. There are other things that I did then that have left me now with an addiction that I battle with daily…sometimes I win and sometimes I lose…

But I don’t regret doing what I did because look, now I learnt that such a thing leads to this kind of regretful heartbreak or that kind of addiction. I am thankful for the things that have made me this person who knows this.

Okay so I had to deal with that heartbreak – points for that. And now I’m fighting against this addiction, good, I’ll certainly enjoy those points when I know how to win.

See we humans see no value in the things that we get easily. I grew up watching and learning from other people’s mistakes – perks for that. But what happens when I take a different route and then find myself in that same situation that I tried to avoid? I realise now that I was not actually learning the wrongs, only finding different ways to do them. The result is the same.

You’re going to grow into something special and I will too…I’m not saying that what we will grow into will be desirable, but it will be special. I’m a procrastinator because I struggle to spot the danger early, then when I finally see the importance and value of the project, I jump straight to it and reap the best results for my efforts.

I learn the hard way. Take my health as another example, I’ve never been so ill as to need hospitalization, so I take this matter lightly, eat junk and never exercise ( well I walk everywhere so I guess that counts)…but I’ve yet to see the dangers of my ways and so, I’m never motivated to change.

Learning the Hard way is learning through conviction – Like a short jail sentence to enlighten a reckless youth. but I’m so scared of even the Hard lessons that one day I might go through it and finally change my ways, but I hope when that day comes my perspective changes too…so that I may see the lesson in the Hard times and add that to my tools.

Bubbly

confusion, Identity

Bubbly me, same old bubbly me…

Bubbles. They fly into the air and give a quick thrill. They fly into the air, some in this and some in that direction – they grab the attention – a pleasant sensation.

Yes, such a quick thrill. Small things amaze the smaller minds and then they go POP into the air. We blow some more and have a joll through the day, they’ll POP again and well just blow some more.

After all, they’re nothing but air – mix some soap and I tell you we’ll do it again. But I can’t be bubbly again, especially if it’s only some air. Because after so many rounds, it’s time for something more, maybe someone to care…

When we were younger we’d blow some bubbles and watch them fly into our dreams. Then we’d watch them and hope they could fly forever, but none of them did…maybe one would survive longer, but eventually he too would POP and disappoint.

And now when they describe me, they say Bubbly Keletso. And that just deflates me…but that makes me a little happy because I don’t wanna be Bubbly like those bubbles who would promise to excite and then POP and disappoint, no I’d rather deflate, and live a life on clean slate, and never be late and hope that no one relates…and that way I’ll just exist and hopefully also resist the urge to step into the lime light only to POP one last time.