Breaking Bars

Meditation for internal stimulation, I’m going through hibernation, looking for peace and relaxation because lately I’ve been anxious too much.

I’ve been tested too much, but instead of preparing for the challenge, I turn to texting too much. It’s September but I’ve been having the same battles since March.

I’m starting to feel like a man I don’t like. I’m starting to see negativity brewing in my guts. I’ve been complaining so much I think I need a break. Take jog to the store for a Kit Kat and while at it, break a sweat or two…really I’ll do anything to break this chain of solitude.

I mean. I’m young, restless and ambitious…but this transition can be so overwhelming that it starts to feel like prison. It’s one thing to be tortured, but it’s a whole other chronicle when your biggest enemy is your own mind…Oops, that sounds like complaining.

No I’m no longer complaining. And soon I’ll also stop campaigning. I’ve been crying my heart into a spectacle for people who only think about champagning…Everybody else is popping and here I am pooping, talking a whole load of “truth” crap about love and peace, so I don’t know why I get so shocked when I’m feeling flushed.

But no, I’m young and I’m free, not old drinking tea, I should also go out on a spree. I should just go back to finding joy in participation medals, getting indebted by flashy metals and arriving in sports car rentals – owning nothing but my ego, paying no attention to civil ethos, look up to the Migos, disrespect national heroes, and while at it, care less about Global warming in Barbados…

Because the world doesn’t care as long someone else is on it. Instead you advocate selfishness…so I too shall own it.

Circumstantial Humility

When you have been a vegetarian through circumstance, it’s hard to become a vegetarian by choice.

My experience with poverty takes me back to the days as a young barefooted lad in the dusty gravel roads of Limpopo, one of the poorest provinces in South Africa.

On those days, I can mildly remember, inter alia, having visitors over as being one of the best days ever. When the guests were around, we would have cold drink as a treat. The treat of cold drink made me so happy back then, that even today, I see the coca cola emblem as a luxury.

I would be so happy to have that cold drink, that I even began to perform tricks with my single cup of it. I would take a few clean sips to massage my tongue a little – then I would pour the last bits of it onto the carpet. Then I would use my empty cup to scoop back my drink and refill my joy and drink it all up to complete my trick.

It didn’t go down well with my grandmother though. No – not one bit!

But while she reacted angrily at my dirty behaviours, the guests would give out a little laugh, saying something like, “boys will be boys”…haha – and that was the point of it all anyways – to get the guests buzzed up by my presence.

In the city where I eventually moved to, you will find young men my age with modified sports cars that are too expensive for me to even dream about. And they too still do these tricks to flatter their guests. They spin the whip until the tyre threads are no more – I assume if their parents saw this, they would react just as my granny used to react to my cold drink tricks…and then you will be sure to hear, “Boys will be boys”…followed by the “haha” – I presume.

So yeah. Back to being a vegetarian through circumstance. It is normal for bad, or poor circumstances to motivate a person… Especially when those who had more used to flash it all in your face. You also want to achieve that so that you can have your moment in the spot light – spinning whips until the tyre threads are no more.

But then there’s David. The guy who used a sling to defeat and kill that giant named Goliath. David was a humble farm boy too, and prior to him killing that beast of a man – the King and leader of the army, Saul, had promised that whomever could kill Goliath would be rewarded with the King’s own daughter’s hand in marriage.

However, after David killed this beast, and it came time for his reward… David rejected this honour, saying ; “Who am I, and what is my family in Israel that I should be the King’s son-in-law?…My father’s family is nothing.”

What? Dude, this is your chance. Can you not see that you are being taken up from the drinks and carpets to the threadless tyres of the rich?

Mmmh. My mind is bamboozled! All this time I cannot even begin to imagine myself going back to those days of having a plate full of cabbage and spinach topped with a big chunk of maize meal and water to wash it down…but this man here rejects this upgrade because…

wait…why did he reject that?

The Christian bible is said to be the word of God. When we read it, they tell us, “read it to try and find the face of God”.

Mmmh. So if I can just try to make sense out of this, I guess I have to say that maybe this is how God’s face looks like. David had done that trick which got him recognised. But he rejected the reward for it because maybe he felt, or knew that he was not ready in his heart to have such an honour. After all, with great power comes great responsibility. So maybe David can teach me that sometimes my purpose and dreams have already been set for me…but I need to make sure that I have the necessary amount of control and respect for it to make sure that I do not misuse it or lose it.

So maybe one day I will be able to return to the vegetarian days by choice. But while I am still where I am in thought, will and ability, maybe I just have to be a little more patient and humble before I can go out there and actually make a difference in the world.

1 Samuel 18:17

Coming out…

As I look at the city and see the beautiful lights that shine in this night. I appreciate this view. But then during the day, I struggle to appreciate the magnificent sun, the mother of all the light that I know.

And even now, as I look up to the stars, I know you created each and everyone of them – why? I really don’t know – but they are beautiful.

And even this talent that you have given me. To write simple words such as these and to have them appreciated and enjoyed by people who have eyes to see them on this screen, and a beautiful mind to comprehend them…surely it is you who is behind all of this.

And this beautiful little talent which you have given me, the same talent I am so afraid to use to say, “God created this”, because I am afraid that my readers will fail to comprehend you. I can’t even comprehend you.

And these drugs which I find myself now so addicted to. It is you who gave the man who made it – the mind to put together the right ingredients to make it. And now here I am asking that you will free me from it…because even the science that went into the making of these, it was you who put it together.

So why am I so afraid to acknowledge you? You who gave me this mouth and nostrils that breathe in this air, and the lungs that know just how to convert each breath into life…so that I may live another day to see that car that my eyes so love…the sound that comes from its engine – your wonderful engineering that went into it, I fail to see.

I fail to see your wonderful hand that went into your creation, and your powerful hand that is still upon me and even on the man who will see this and read in disbelief of how ignorant I must be to think that a fairytale like you could make all that is so real…to me it’s surreal…but one day you will reveal…and your glory will prevail for all mankind to turn back to you – my little big fantasy…you are one fantastic fiction, causing this friction between my intellect and your authority…

Please sustain your superiority. Prove me not right in the words that I write here, but reveal your heart so that we can see that part of you…that part of you which we know as judgement – oh God, you are good and I am not.

Learning the Hard way

There are many ways to learn something, but what is the reason of learning in the first place? If you ask me, I want to learn so that I can make a change.

A change to what, you may ask? I want to make a change from my current standpoint to the next. I want to carve that future of mine to look a little more like that dream if mine.

One word which I associate with change is regret. I certainly don’t want to do again the things that I regret. But it’s funny looking at it through my eyes because I don’t regret the things that I did, but I regret the result that they brought.

I certainly don’t regret loving the person who broke my heart, but I regret getting heartbroken. There are other things that I did then that have left me now with an addiction that I battle with daily…sometimes I win and sometimes I lose…

But I don’t regret doing what I did because look, now I learnt that such a thing leads to this kind of regretful heartbreak or that kind of addiction. I am thankful for the things that have made me this person who knows this.

Okay so I had to deal with that heartbreak – points for that. And now I’m fighting against this addiction, good, I’ll certainly enjoy those points when I know how to win.

See we humans see no value in the things that we get easily. I grew up watching and learning from other people’s mistakes – perks for that. But what happens when I take a different route and then find myself in that same situation that I tried to avoid? I realise now that I was not actually learning the wrongs, only finding different ways to do them. The result is the same.

You’re going to grow into something special and I will too…I’m not saying that what we will grow into will be desirable, but it will be special. I’m a procrastinator because I struggle to spot the danger early, then when I finally see the importance and value of the project, I jump straight to it and reap the best results for my efforts.

I learn the hard way. Take my health as another example, I’ve never been so ill as to need hospitalization, so I take this matter lightly, eat junk and never exercise ( well I walk everywhere so I guess that counts)…but I’ve yet to see the dangers of my ways and so, I’m never motivated to change.

Learning the Hard way is learning through conviction – Like a short jail sentence to enlighten a reckless youth. but I’m so scared of even the Hard lessons that one day I might go through it and finally change my ways, but I hope when that day comes my perspective changes too…so that I may see the lesson in the Hard times and add that to my tools.

Bubbly

Bubbly me, same old bubbly me…

Bubbles. They fly into the air and give a quick thrill. They fly into the air, some in this and some in that direction – they grab the attention – a pleasant sensation.

Yes, such a quick thrill. Small things amaze the smaller minds and then they go POP into the air. We blow some more and have a joll through the day, they’ll POP again and well just blow some more.

After all, they’re nothing but air – mix some soap and I tell you we’ll do it again. But I can’t be bubbly again, especially if it’s only some air. Because after so many rounds, it’s time for something more, maybe someone to care…

When we were younger we’d blow some bubbles and watch them fly into our dreams. Then we’d watch them and hope they could fly forever, but none of them did…maybe one would survive longer, but eventually he too would POP and disappoint.

And now when they describe me, they say Bubbly Keletso. And that just deflates me…but that makes me a little happy because I don’t wanna be Bubbly like those bubbles who would promise to excite and then POP and disappoint, no I’d rather deflate, and live a life on clean slate, and never be late and hope that no one relates…and that way I’ll just exist and hopefully also resist the urge to step into the lime light only to POP one last time.

Be Myself

And if I lose myself for the sake of finding myself and then I find myself without You? Would I still be myself? What is me without you but a mere stranger walking on the other side of the street?

But then what is me with you but not with myself?

I guess the question lies in the possibility that I was predestined for you, which would mean that with you I am myself. But am I really myself or am I yours?

The other option would be for me to be myself and that would mean that I chose to be myself with you. But that makes me wonder, what if I had chosen for myself to be not with You?

See I am with you and I am asking these questions. If I had chosen myself without You, would I still have been asking these questions? Or maybe I would have been too busy living as myself to find time for these questions.

But what if I am only living because I am with you and I am so blessed that I am able to even ask?

I wonder if some of my heroes ever asked these questions. I wonder if I laughed while Robin Williams asked for himself, or if maybe I was too busy dancing while Avicii was pondering.

I wonder if I’ll ever stop writing these words. I wonder if I’m even writing these words. I wonder – if I do stop writing these words – will you wonder if I got my answers?

Mend a broken love.

How do you mend a broken axle? We’ve been stuck here on the side of the road trying to pump some life back into our love, But it all seems so futile when you’ve got so many holes that I cannot see and you remain silent – not even a tear when I touch you here or there – it’s like you feel no pain, but I need to know if I should try again.

How do you mend a broken axle? We thought this love would be a walk in the park, but it’s been three years now and we’ve been dogs barking at the wrong trees. You’ve been sitting in your comfort zone throwing tantrums, but now that the gates are open you’re afraid to come out to fight for your love.

And me, I’ve been here thinking and sinking in my messy room but somehow I manage to keep my head above the clutter long enough to see your mistakes, still while drowning in mine – I’m failing to see how fast I’m falling – I’d be lucky if I could make it out crawling.

How do you mend a broken axle? In the car boot, next to the spare tyre, that’s where I left the first aid kit. Maybe if we can patch things up quickly we can still make it in time to see the sunrise on the east coast. We had such high hopes when we decided to run away and escape the concrete jungle…but we ran straight into the wilderness of this thing called Love.

And now you don’t have your mother or your girlfriends to call every time I call a fight out of something small, and make you feel small – everybody could see it back then, but now everybody is no longer a valid excuse – can we still say the world is against us while we’re alone in the wilderness? We only got here in the summer, I hope we make it until the fall.

So how do you mend a broken axle? I’m tired of numbing the pain because it always comes back. I’m so over going around the same circles. Let’s grab this thing by the horns and deal with it together, no more games and throwing blames.