distance

Distance Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

They say Distance makes the heart grow fonder. I guess that’s an obvious result of all the time that we spend in wonder. Because now that you’re away, all I do is ponder, I can’t clear my mind from the thoughts of you, the memories and the fears that continuously rain into my head causing a stormy thunder. I miss you.


It took me a while to stop fighting the fact within myself that I’m missing you. It’s only been a day without you, but a day without my best friend, the person I spend everyday with is more than I can handle at this moment in time.

I remember you were on your phone and I was on mine. We were not even talking but your presence was warm enough. You turned and let it out, “You’ll miss me when the year ends and we go our separate ways.”     And yet the danger didn’t quite register, that we live practically on opposite ends of the country, because we still continued to live as if tomorrow would never come.


Five Things I Hate About Missing Someone Special:

1. My Own Insecurities

I guess I have to start with my own insecurities because most of my problems come from the fact that I overthink too much. I create scenarios in my head, like what if you bump into so-and-so and go out on a wild night and end up doing something that could leave my heart broken?

I create so many fictional scenarios, but the biggest problem is the fact that whenever the thought is bad, it always seems much realer than my good thoughts. Ouch!

And after reconsideration of the first point, I’ve realized that I won’t actually be sharing FIVE THINGS I HATE ABOUT MISSING SOMEONE SPECIAL , instead I will share One thing – which is my Insecurities, and then the other four will be examples of the insecurities. Let’s go!

2. What’s going on in your head?

So I’ve already mentioned what happens in my head when I’m missing you. Now I’m left here wondering, Are you also missing me the same way I miss you? I wonder if you are having fun doing all the things you do with your family and friends back home. Obviously I want you to have a great time, but I just wish somewhere in there you spare some time to think of me.

I hope you’re also holding yourself back from clicking my number on the phone and calling me for the third time today. Well, I already clicked the button, took me straight to voicemail, so I hope the first thing you do when you see my missed call is get back to me and break me out of this craze of uncertainty.

3. Who’s texting you trying to “catch up”?

You’ve been out of the city and away at University, far from home, far from all your friends that you left behind and all the others who chose different paths. But now is that time of the year, everybody is back home for the festive season. There’s going to be a lot of high school reunions, especially with the way you loved your days in School.

And I know how guys think. Someone is going to look at you and see how much you have grown and how beautiful you’ve become. So I just hope you will be able to tell the difference from the wolves and the sheep, even if they suddenly seem to wear the same clothing.

I’m even starting to think about those nerdy dudes that you had little crushes on back in primary school. What if they rock up and take you back to memories that I cannot compete with, get you lost and naive, and then you make mistakes that leave me weak?

4. What if the journey proves too long?

I once dated a beautiful girl who lived in another city, so we did the whole Long-Distance relationship thing. At the time I trusted much easier because I focused my trust on me and her. But I remember someone once asked me, “Dude, your girlfriend is so hot, she gets asked out by multiple times daily…What are the odds that in a year of 365 days, she will say NO each and everyday?”     haha, at the time I didn’t let it affect me. But after a confusing Break up which I did not see coming, I started to suspect that somebody had planted a bad seed in my beautiful garden, or worse, had eaten from it.

And so that is one of the many things that linger in my mind today, What if you just cannot hold on to the promise that we will get back to each other soon? I learnt not to lean too much on yesterday’s victories because today’s problems attack today’s mindset, so I hope you’ll still be strong enough to endure the temptations.

5. What if you start to see how imperfect I am?

I’m so far from perfect but you treat me like I’m one in a million. I’m so far from perfect and I’m scared that you might actually start seeing it by looking at the previous four points above. Does it make me look emotionally weak? does it make me less of a man?

I take comfort in these fears from a song by the singer Passenger, the lyrics claim, “They say fear is for the brave – The cowards never stare it in the eye”…And I hate to expose you here, but you did say that his music bored you when I payed it for us, so maybe you will also think his views on bravery are just as skewed.

And what about my many other flaws? you might start to see them clearer now that you have stepped out of the box a little. Now that you are out of the smoke room, you might be able to smell the fire and slowly start to lose your desire for this thing that we have, and maybe even acquire a taste of a different kind of guy dressed some flashy attire…



Author’s Perspective

Thank you for stopping by to read this Post on “Distance makes the heart grow fonder”. As you can see, I’ve adopted here, the view that this “fondness” comes from fear. I am pretty sure that I will learn more on this when the time is due. But right now, I think TRUST is all that I would have to apply to deal with these insecurities and fears. What do you think? Please find the comment button if you have some advice or reaction. Thank you.

 

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6 replies »

  1. Re: trust: I only know it’s a thing that people (like me) who’ve had substance use issues lack. I think it arises from people’s drunkenness, etc, making them unreliable, hence our lives are chaos. For example, a mother will say one thing while sober, then the opposite when drunk, confusing her kids when she rewards and punishes alternately. But if you can find the ability to trust others, then the door is opened to others helping you. Peace.

    Liked by 1 person

    • mmmh interesting way to look at it. I also struggle with trust, However, I know the opportunity it offers – the key to freedom from insecurities, but Actually being naive enough to allow vulnerability is quite hard to apply. Thanks Rob.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Asking for help — allowing vulnerability — is another thing those with an addictive personality have a hard time with. It’s something I learned from group therapy, and I think it’s true. We are so independent and rebellious with our lives that we shut other people out.

        You’re welcome.

        Like

    • Rob I must add that your bravery and honesty, here about your history with substance use, and also on your blog about your experiences with schizophrenia is quite inspiring…and to me you resemble the kind of person I would have no problem trusting….I guess there’s a certain extent of pain that one must feel when they are being honest in order for others to truly believe and feel what they experienced..

      Liked by 1 person

      • Wow, thanks a lot, Chris! Yes I am honest and courageous both. You may discuss with me anything you want. My life is an open book, but I understand not everyone can do that. And that’s OK!

        Like

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